Phone Call #5

Date : 29/02/2012
Time: 13:15
Number: 0208 123 1745 If you want information on these scammers - it's all here.

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hello this is (name I didn't understand) calling from World Wide Web, is this the owner of this phone line?

Me: Yes

Caller: Hello sir, I have a message here from your computer saying to me that it has a virus and I'm calling you today to put that right.

Me: (silence - I was eating my lunch at the time).

Caller: Hello?

Me: Yes, sorry, my computer has a virus?

Caller: Yes sir, you have a computer?

Me: I used to but it was stolen yesterday.

Caller: I'm sorry?

Me: It was stolen.

Caller: Stolen?

Me: Yes, by someone very nasty. I think they were called Eric.

Caller: Sir, but you have a laptop?

Me: I do, but that is in two pieces as my dog attacked it.

Caller: That's not a problem, can you switch the laptop on?

Me: Oh isn't it? Fabulous, ok then. I'll have to go and get it.

Caller: That's ok sir, I'll wait for you to switch it on... (Wait about 2 mins while I finish the last of my lunch)

Caller: Hello?... Hello?...Hello Sir?...

Me: Hello? Yes, it won't work... it is in two pieces and when I plugged it in, I electrocuted the dog.

Caller: (silence) You have your laptop?

Me: It's filled with singed dog hairs.

Caller: Can you switch it on?

Me : I can but I don't want to kill any more of my pets. My fish are cowering in the corner of my tank.

Caller: It is perfectly safe, I assure you...

Me: Hang on a minute, which computer did you receive the message from and how did you get my number?

Caller: (unintelligible - something about Windows Security System. A long and obviously pre-written statement of fluent bullshit that is intended to impress those who don't have a clue about PCs.)

Me: But that's all utter rubbish, because I'm a computer expert. Tada!

Caller (sarcastic): Oh you are a computer expert are you?

Me: Yes, I've had one for three months now and I know everything.

Caller: Right, Right Right...

Me: Anyway, how did you get my number? It is not linked to any windows account I have.

Caller: Your number is (repeats my phone number).

Me: Yes, but how did you get it?

Caller: (silence)... Ok if you are an expert,how do I get rid of a computer virus from my computer?

Me : I'd use anti-virus initially...

Caller (scornfully) : Ha! Anti Virus doesn't get rid of every virus...

Me: Yes it does. It's invincible. It's my own antivirus and I haven't had a single cold since I installed it.

Caller: No it doesn't. You are a liar!

Me: I'm a liar? You called me to try and gain access to my computer to install some backdoor spy software to access my bank details and other personal information to scam money from me, and I'm a liar?

Caller: No, No No No... You're a liar!

Me: Yes, I am but I've wasted five minutes of your time.

Caller: F*ck you!

Me: Great customer service, enjoy the rest of the day dear.

Caller: Get f*cked asshole. (Phone goes dead)

Phone Call #4

Date: 23rd February 2012

Time: 11:00am

Number: 0450 - but rest of number did not appear

(I was pretty chuffed with this one as I was unaware, expecting a real phone call from a real person when I picked up)

(Phone Rings)

Me: Hello?

Voice (Heavy Indian accent): Good morning sir, can I speak with Mr John?

Me (Pretending not to hear): Sorry, what was that, the line is really bad?

Voice (pause): Yes, hello, can I speak to Mr John?

Me: You want to buy a dog? Is that right?

Voice (long, long pause): Erm... Hello?

Me: Ah there you are, I thought the dogs had got you.

Voice: Can I speak with Mr John?

Me: I'm afraid we are out of them, we do have some lovely Beagles, but you have to promise you won't experiment on them. You know, sign a form and whatnot.

Voice: No sir, can I speak with the Man of the house?

Me: No, she's not in.

Voice: Do you have responsibility for the household bills sir?

Me: I mean if you don't want a Beagle, then you can always have a little Cocker Spaniel. Lovely floppy ears, big sad eyes and they taste wonderful in a casserole.

Voice: I... Hello?

Me: Ssshh... I can hear voices...

Voice: err... (Line goes dead)

Phone Call #3

Date: Saturday 11th February

Time: 3.00pm

Number: Withheld

(Phone Rings)

Me: Hello?

Voice (Male, African sounding): Hello, is dat Mister eeen John?

Me: It is

Voice: Hello Mr John, dis is Gary calling from Microsoft Security Centre.

Me: Is it?

Voice: How are you today?

Me: Absolutely blimmin' fantastic.

Voice: Mr John, I am calling you about a number of security breaches that your computer has emailed to us at Microsoft over the past week.

Me (in horror): Oh No!

Voice: Yes sir, but do not panic. Have you noticed your computer has been running more slowly, sir?

Me (scared): Yes, yes it has.

Voice: Don't panic sir, we can help.

Me: Yesterday, I switched it on and I deleted the Internet... Oh my god...

Voice: Sir, please don't panic...

Me: Oh No, (SHOUTS) We're all going to die aren't we? Aaaggghhhahah!

Voice: Sir, Sir! No sir...

Me: And then this morning when I switched it on... I killed the whole INTERNET... Aggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Voice: Sir...

Me: Oh my god! The lights are flashing! It's going to explode! I can hear ticking? Can you hear the ticking... Oh God no! Help! AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Phone went dead)

(What was particularly enjoyable about this one was that my daughter and friend were in the room to enjoy it first hand.

Phone Call #2

Date: Wednesday 25th January

Time: 14:20

Number: Withheld

(Phone Rings)

Me (spotting the number is withheld): Rymanshire Constabulary, you're through to Constable Faeces McLune, please not all calls are recorded and may be used in evidence against you. How can I help you?

Voice (Asian lady somewhat confused): Err.. hello can I speak with Mr John?

Me: You may not, he's in the cells.

Voice: Cells?

Me: Is this his accomplice?

Voice: No, No, No. I need to speak with Mr John.

Me: Are you his brief?

Voice: Err...

(Phone went dead)

Phone Call #1

Date: January 9th 2012

Time: 10.00am

Number: Withheld

(Phone Rings)

Me: Hello?

Graham (in thick Indian accent): Hello, my name is Graham. Can I please speak with Mister Joan?

Me: Mr Joan is dead

Graham (long pause): Hello?

Me: Hello again

Graham: Ah, hello, can I please speak with Mister Joan?

Me: No. I've killed him and left his body rotting in the forest.

(Pause)

Graham: Yes...umm...very nice. Now please don't worry, I'm not selling anything.

Me: I'm not worried, the cops have got nothing on me.

Graham: Yes sir, very nice. Erm...

(line goes dead)

Introduction

Ok, so you may be wondering what this is. Firstly, it isn't an advice page. I don't advocate following any of the advice or activities that I indulge in here. All I want to do is let the wider world know the kind of things that I get up to during the day that are not (a) utterly boring or (b) utterly indecent.

One such thing is irritating phone calls. Everybody gets them, they are usually on some dreadful, poor quality line from a person clearly in either India or China, who proclaims their name to be "George" or "Lucy" and who are eager to impart highly impactful information to you.

So far in 2012, I have;

1. Had several calls from concerned companies who told me that my PC had been in touch with them, to let them know that it wasn't working very well. Which is jolly kind of it really.

2. Had several calls from companies whose immediate promise is that they are not selling something...Who then go on and try and sell you something.

3. Had several calls from companies checking whether I wanted to claim any PPI back having been missold it.

4. Had some calls from companies seeing if I wanted to claim back money believing that we were missold an endowment policy in 1996.

5. Had calls from companies seeking if I wanted to change my energy bill providers, credit card providers, insurance etc etc.

Being a generally affable chap, I tended to deal with these calls in an initially polite and friendly manner. Repeatedly saying no thankyou until they got the hint and put the phone down.

Unfortunately, that changed in late 2011, when I received one call from a man who called himself "Derek". "Derek" had the strongest Indian accent I had heard in a long time and it was extremely difficult to understand what he was saying on what was not the clearest phone line. After enquiring whether I knew my PC was not working, I told him that I knew it was working fine but thanks for contacting me.

As I went to put the phone down, he shouted at me something along the lines of "No wait you f**king idiot!". Which I thought a bit premature in our relationship, but there you go.

I enquired why he felt the need to speak to me that way, to which he replied in a foul mouthed-sarcastic tirade, implying that I do all kinds of illegal things with various members of my family and that I was a particularly vulgar name, usually associated with a ladies floribunda.

I put the phone down, initially shocked and went to dial back the number, only to find it was witheld. Scuppered and feeling somewhat ired, I considered many things:-

1. Change my phone number - not really viable considering we just changed it 6 months ago.

2. Call the police - Yeah right, like that's going to work.

3. Register with the Telephone Preference Service - I have, several times.

4. Phone Sky - See the answer I gave to option 2.

5. Feel a bit miffed and have a Wispa bar to console myself (the sensible choice).

Anyway, following that phone call I have taken a new approach to dealing with cold callers. So when my phone goes and I see a number I do not recognise, or a number withheld and after ascertaining it isn't either:-

1. The police looking to arrest me
2. The bank wanting more money from me
3. The Nobel Prize winning committee with an award for me, or
4. Sofia Vergara wanting a date

I then decide to answer the call in whatever creative way I can come up with. This blog is simply a list of these calls. They are not word perfect and I've edited out most of the boring bits and I do tend to repeat myself as I think of what to say on the spot usually.

I hope you enjoy, but kids don't try this at home.