Introduction

Ok, so you may be wondering what this is. Firstly, it isn't an advice page. I don't advocate following any of the advice or activities that I indulge in here. All I want to do is let the wider world know the kind of things that I get up to during the day that are not (a) utterly boring or (b) utterly indecent.

One such thing is irritating phone calls. Everybody gets them, they are usually on some dreadful, poor quality line from a person clearly in either India or China, who proclaims their name to be "George" or "Lucy" and who are eager to impart highly impactful information to you.

So far in 2012, I have;

1. Had several calls from concerned companies who told me that my PC had been in touch with them, to let them know that it wasn't working very well. Which is jolly kind of it really.

2. Had several calls from companies whose immediate promise is that they are not selling something...Who then go on and try and sell you something.

3. Had several calls from companies checking whether I wanted to claim any PPI back having been missold it.

4. Had some calls from companies seeing if I wanted to claim back money believing that we were missold an endowment policy in 1996.

5. Had calls from companies seeking if I wanted to change my energy bill providers, credit card providers, insurance etc etc.

Being a generally affable chap, I tended to deal with these calls in an initially polite and friendly manner. Repeatedly saying no thankyou until they got the hint and put the phone down.

Unfortunately, that changed in late 2011, when I received one call from a man who called himself "Derek". "Derek" had the strongest Indian accent I had heard in a long time and it was extremely difficult to understand what he was saying on what was not the clearest phone line. After enquiring whether I knew my PC was not working, I told him that I knew it was working fine but thanks for contacting me.

As I went to put the phone down, he shouted at me something along the lines of "No wait you f**king idiot!". Which I thought a bit premature in our relationship, but there you go.

I enquired why he felt the need to speak to me that way, to which he replied in a foul mouthed-sarcastic tirade, implying that I do all kinds of illegal things with various members of my family and that I was a particularly vulgar name, usually associated with a ladies floribunda.

I put the phone down, initially shocked and went to dial back the number, only to find it was witheld. Scuppered and feeling somewhat ired, I considered many things:-

1. Change my phone number - not really viable considering we just changed it 6 months ago.

2. Call the police - Yeah right, like that's going to work.

3. Register with the Telephone Preference Service - I have, several times.

4. Phone Sky - See the answer I gave to option 2.

5. Feel a bit miffed and have a Wispa bar to console myself (the sensible choice).

Anyway, following that phone call I have taken a new approach to dealing with cold callers. So when my phone goes and I see a number I do not recognise, or a number withheld and after ascertaining it isn't either:-

1. The police looking to arrest me
2. The bank wanting more money from me
3. The Nobel Prize winning committee with an award for me, or
4. Sofia Vergara wanting a date

I then decide to answer the call in whatever creative way I can come up with. This blog is simply a list of these calls. They are not word perfect and I've edited out most of the boring bits and I do tend to repeat myself as I think of what to say on the spot usually.

I hope you enjoy, but kids don't try this at home.